Misadventures in therapy: Resident Evil Idiot
by Tio-Chan
Summary: My first RE Fic so please be kind: Meet Danielle a child prodigy in ther therapy biz. She finds herself faced with the Queen Mother of idiots,and an incredibly dense Nemisis. Please R&R Not as bad as it sounds.^_^;
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil so please don't sue me.  
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Misadventures in Therapy: A case file of the many adventures of a child psychologist.  
Documented By: Ayane  
Case file #01: Resident Evil (Resdient Idiot!)  
~Chapter 1: The Doctor is In...Well not really...~  
Jill slowly became more and more frustrated as the ever constant battle cry of "S.T.A.R.S." was heard from behind her as she ran through the streets of Raccoon City. Hadn't that stupid creature stalked her enough? She turned the corner once more hoping to finally get rid of or at least shake off the miserable creature she had nicknamed Nemisis. Unfortunatly Jill had never really had good luck, as she rounded the corner into an alleyway full of trash she stepped on a rather greasy bannana peel which only helped to send her flying face first into the nearby dumpster with a loud crash that could probably be heard from miles around. But that didn't stop our resident idiot from not hearing it from about three feet away! The massive Tyrant peeked its bald head around the corner, "S.T.A.R.S?" It looked around quizzically. Thus seeing no sign of the woman he was out to kill Nemisis stalked off causing Jill, and several zombies to open the lid on their respective hiding places. Jill being the ever obseverant person she was decided that it would now be okay to make as much noise as possible. The zombies meanwhile looked at eachother with odd looks on their rotting faces, They grunted several times to eachother (Translation: Hey Bob how many times is she gonna pass by here without noticing us? Zombie 2: I don't know Jim.) before going back into the trash cans.  
You know the real problem with Jill's plans was that they always somehow backfired in her face, thus, this one was about the result in the same thing. Slowly she krept around the corner to find the Nemisis staring bleakly into oblivion, taking a few minutes to aim, and then shooting down the crows that were now hacking up their own feathers on the power lines. Jill slowly readied the makeshift slingshot and inserted several Firecrackers into the center of the slingshot. "HEY BOZO!" She called over to the stunned Tryant who turned around shooting the slingshots ammo, and then pulling out a grenade. Jill being the small minded person that she was, was easily confused and was never really sure if she was suposed to throw the grenade and put the pin in her mouth, or if she was suposed to throw the Pin and put the grenade in her mouth, of course she did the latter so what insued was the reason why our dear friend Jill will never be smiling in the next Resident Evil games. In what at one point might have seemed heroic she hurled the ever threatning Pin at the creature called Nemisis only succeeding in hitting him in the eye. The burned and frightened creature proceeded to scream what might have been (If translated) a series of curse words that would make this story un suitable for the younger readers, as he held his eye and screamed Jill finally got the pattern right, just as the grenade blew up in her face, also manageing to knock out part of her two fronth teeth. Her face covered with soot every zombie within distance slowly killed over from hysterical laughter that caused them to fall apart limb from limb.   
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Jill walked into the bar in which she had meet Brad, and sat down. "Care to order up a drink?" Came a female voice from behind the counter as a red haired girl, dressed in a black turtle neck with a matching skirt, and a pair of grey tights, and a pair of heeless dress shoes climbed up onto the counter put down a glass and mixed up a martini. "What's a kid your age doing mixing alcoholic beverages?" Jill asked as she gulped down the contents of the small glass. "I'm a master of all trades." She remakred as she sat down in front of Jill "Penny for your thoughts?" Jill belched a little as she lay her head down on the counter. "Yeah you wouldn't know how to get rid of huge monster stalking me would you?" The girl smiled as she sat up a large sign: Advice and Therapy, for The Mentally unsure, Creatures of the mind, and biologically enginered weapons. Cost: 50 cents. With this she sat down a large plaque in front of her that read in gold letters "The Doctor is In." Jill looked dumbfounded at the girl as she handed her the two quarters "Wow." Was the only thing she could say.  
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Okay I know this is short but it's just the first chapter, I'm going to be doing several of these little stories with diffrent survival horror games Including Silent Hill, and Fatal Frame, as to were I can put the Fatal Frame one I have no ideal but lets just give you a little Ideal for each:  
Silent Hill: James being the sucker he is pays Danielle an excess fee to get rid of the Pryamid head, Laura however has payed Danielle an even large fee to get rid of James, enter Maria, who has payed her twice as much to kill them both, along with discovering the biggest mystery in the game...Were does Eddy's Pizza come from!?  
Fatal Frame: Miku wants Danielle to see if she can reason with the ghosts of the Himoru mansion, of course it's not easy to reason with beings that are trying to do everything from strangle you right down to decpaitating you and pulling you limb from limb. 


	2. Lifestyles of the Dumb and the Hopeless

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil, so please don't sue me.  
Author's Notes: I just noticed something, I made this title sound like something out a good charlotte song. (Life styles of the Rich and the Famous/The young and the Hopeless, add in dumb.)  
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Chapter 2: Lifestyles of the dumb and the hopeless  
There are many people in this world, most of which in the opinion of one red haired child prodigy, were incredibly dense and moronic, she of course had managed to find the whopper, the mother of them all, the queen bee of idiots, Jill Valentine. Oh joy. Kill joy. Currently the brown haired bimbo was standing on the fire escape preparing a sling shot, a slingshot made of a bra she had found in one of the empy houses. As she sturggled to pull the offending garment far enough for it to actually do damage so she could proceed with her plans. The bra however wasn't going anywhere, as she pulled it farther the straps that held it to the railing broke, Jill being the off balance idiot that she was found herself between a rock and a hard place. Metaphorically speaking. She fell over the railing, with a shriek and a loud crash as she found herself in the same dumpster she had been in only a few minutes ago. The two zombies still in their hiding place came out and grunted to eachother once more. (translation:Zombie 1: She's back again Jim. Zombie 2: Yeah, how many times do you think she'll go through without noticing us? Zombie 1: Well she's been through five times so far, fifteen more and I'll win thirty dollars. Zombie 2: Suckers.)  
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Danielle shook her head as she leaned over the railing and yelled down to Jill. "Don't you think I should find the Nemisis? I'm going to start charging by the hour if you don't tell me where he is!" She yelled to Jill who was currently picking garbage out of her hair. As if on cue everyones favorite six foot bioweapon, tapped on the girls shoulder and put on his best menacing expression. Danielle of course wasn't phased, she pulled out a clipboard and began taking notes. "Okay, tries to act tough, attempts at being scary, seems to me you have a Speriority complex developed Mr. Nemisis." She said, The six foot monster paused and scratched his head in thought. If you dare to call it thinking that is. Then relized that he wasn't suposed to be thinking, the executives at Campcom weren't paying him to think, they were paying him to scare the living daylights out of one person Jill Valentine, and that since that particular person was currently picking garbage bits out of her hair in the dumpster at the botton of the fire escape, this incredibly small, and pale little girl who was telling him stuff that involved big words he didn't understand would have to do. He twisted his face to one that if seen by anyone else, would have caused mothers to faint, babies to cry, toddlers to hide under the bed screaming for their mommies, and the soccer mom's to attack the ratings board over exposing their 'innocent children' to this sort of 'violence', of course the innocent children were also the ones smoking cigarettes with the seniors in high school and smoking joints at frat parties in college. Now back to the scenario at hand, Nemisis then proceed with a roar, not just any roar, but a roar that angered the soccer mom's even more, caused the children to go farther under the bed screaming bloody murder, and made every dictator from Hitler to Stalin roll over in their graves. Yes it was terrifying to everyone but the person he was trying to scare."SSSSSSSTTTTTAAAAAAARRRRRRRSSSS!!!!!!" The excess wind from the scream blew her hair back, and nearly over the fire escape, fogging up her glasses and the only thing that happened was. "Two Words: Tic Tac." At this Nemisis grew incredibly frustrated, and swung his fists knocking out red head off the fire escape and into the nearby trash can, which happened to be in between the two zombies hiding place. They came up and looked around intrestedly before seeing Jill peaking out of the dumbster a look of happiness like a child on christmas morning. "So did you have any luck with Nemisis?" She asked cheerfully. The red head let out an exasperated grunt as she threw off her "Trash can lid hat" thus hitting the garbage can with such force she knocked it over causing Zombie number 1 to hit his head on the ground, thus giving him a concusion, thus the zombie was no longer a zombie but a 40 crow buffet. Only 5. 99, plus the cost of disinfectant. "This is going to take a while." She remarked with a sigh, Jill frowned, "So I take that as a no." She said in the most dimwitted tone possible. The red head sighed once more as she tried to climb out of the trash can only to find it falling over. "Ouch. Mommy, help."   
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Meanwhile elsewhere in Raccoon City, a one, Claire Redfield had entered into the police station and was currently in the process of attempting to tame the licker. Elsewhere in the building Mr. X pondered his relation to Nemisis, while Sherry Briken was busy attempting to call home, to inform her parents that she was not an abnormally short 12 year old but a hobbit sent to Earth to find the "One Thing". Meanwhile a one Carlos Oliveria was attempting to tell a zombie about all his "Woman" problems, and Leon Kennedy, was enjoying the vast contents of the Police stations library. Meanwhile Ada Wong was having a rather intresting conversation with her right hand on Global Hunger, and Annette Briken was filing for divorce and a spot on Jerry Springer with William. Yes Raccoon City was always an intresting place, even when half the occupants were members of the cast of "Night of the Living dead." 


End file.
